~oxt. 16~ (oct. 16, '21)
one
tw
- school
text
things to do today:
- buy a blank notebook
- do your homework
- write a story
...
- be gentle with yourself
two
i gave you
everything.
and then i wonder why I have nothing.
three
no.
you dont get to
hurt
me.
not now.
not today.
not ever again.
four
tw
- caps
- bold, underlined text
text
If you think
I
will sit in
s i l e n c e
you are wrong.
Instead
I will
STAND
in
silence.
five
tw
- mention and description of overdose
text
Something about the way she looks at me...
I can't describe it.
Like a sweet spring breeze,
like my heart softly curling just perfectly around my neck.
Like an overdose;
not that I've had one;
the tingle of your body, caught off guard
the black dots in your vision bursting at the seams.
The calm of the storm, the rose of your cheeks, the satisfaction and the adrenaline.
like that
yeah.
just
like
that.
six
it is never about
what i can do with my words...
only what i can do with
my knowledge.
but if you'd shut up
for once...
you'd see what i can do with My
silence;
power;
wisdom;
light;
love;
pain;
you see what I can do All By Myself.
slam poetry ~apr. 13~
tw
- implied rejection dysphoria
- feeling worthless, hopeless, etc.
- school
- screaming
- mention of crimes
- gun
- toxic friend
- food
- dream smp
- sickness
text
I wonder a lot of things
like how my friends think of themselves.
How their smile shines bright when they think of something they love.
How they look at me with wonder
say it’s okay
because they really enjoy the time we spend together
but I keep apologizing
because I feel like a burden.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen
if I was never deemed “gifted”
if they never put me in special classes
and burdened me with homework
and a feeling of never being enough,
never doing enough,
always seeing a goal that I can’t reach.
And I wonder what my teachers think
as I raise my hand for the sixth time that day
or maybe I haven’t yet
and maybe they’re thinking of what I’ll say
what I’ll leave out,
why I just had to share this story.
Time is precious
and I never seem to have enough of it.
Time escapes my grasp
and I can only watch
And I wonder where it goes.
And sometimes I wonder
“Do my friends hate me?”
Are they lying to me so I’ll leave them alone
or do they really not care when they text me five times
just so I get to their house on time.
And I wonder if the apologizing is ever enough,
if it’s a crime to say sorry as much as I do,
if one day they’ll think I don’t mean it when really,
every time I say sorry,
I want to scream it so loud I never have to say it again.
And sometimes I wonder why
my brain holds me at gunpoint
to do the things I do.
Like it’s a crime.
I wonder if my teachers remember me,
if I left an impression like I always wanted.
I think about the times they’d say,
“You lost your privilege”
and I wonder if they’re the reason for my trust issues
or if it’s that one toxic friend I had
when my brain was most impressionable.
I know that the guy at my bus stop had no reason to lie,
but I wonder if he did.
Was it my fault?
I wonder why the stars align as they do,
why English has to be so hard,
why we can’t just reinvent our universe so it isn’t confusing.
I wonder if my parents will ever listen,
or if they’re lying to me,
if they put on a smile just for me and as soon as I leave, they wipe it off
like how I purposefully miss the sour spots on apples.
I wonder if I will ever achieve the goals I make,
if I’ll ever read as many books as I want
or watch as many movies as I want.
I wonder if the hero was right, or maybe the villain was.
Because as Ghostbur says,
“A villain is just a hero you haven’t convinced yet.”
And I wonder if my friends think of me as a hero.
Or a villain.
Am I a villain?
...no, that can’t be right.
I don’t want to be a villain
I don’t want to be like a sickness
something you don’t want to catch
something you pass on to people
something you want to get rid of
something that exhausts you
something that brings you pain and turmoil
something that infects you
something that barges in uninvited, calls your house home.
God, I wish I didn’t wonder.
Because when I wonder,
suddenly,
I’m my own sickness.
music
from the studio,
within the guitar
through the speakers
of your car
between your teeth
across your tongue
from space and back
amidst the young
in your headphones and
out with your speech
with a message for all
worth a thousand voices' preach
the flower garden
tw
- animals
- mention of death (in a common phrase)
text
above the chatter
across the river
as far as the sun may go
through the prarie
around the villages
against the rain and snow
in spite of the clutter
in lieu of the chaos
between the slim byroads
near the butterflies
ahead of my view
into the great unknown
because of my conscious
'till death do us part
hence why i came to these beautiful blooms
by means of my free will
next to the flower garden
out where theres breathing room